Mr. Methhead is one of our "regulars." People tell me that when he's sober and stable on his medications, he's a pretty cool guy. Since I've never had the pleasure of encountering him in either of those states, I'll take their word for it.
Monday, I got to field the following telephone call from him, several hours after I'd given him his regularly scheduled antispychotic injection:
Mr. Methhead: "Hey, I've got the worst headache today! Do you think it could be from that shot you gave me this morning?"
Me: "Maybe, but I wouldn't bet on it. Skipping caffeine can cause bad headaches, though. Did you have your coffee this morning?"
MM: "No, but I had some black tar heroin over the weekend. Would that do it?"
Me: "Yes it would. Heroin withdrawl will really make you feel like crap. How's the diarrhea and vomiting today?"
MM: "I'm not puking, but the @%#s are bad. Do you have any heroin?"
Me, very thankful it's a phone conversation so I don't have to try so hard to keep a professional facial expression: "No, sir, I do not have any heroin."
MM: "Oh, then do you think the doc would prescribe me some OxyContin?"
After the usual reminders to him that we're a mental health office and DON'T prescribe pain medication (We don't do this under any circumstances. Your arm could fall off in our waiting room, and we still wouldn't. We firmly believe in "not feeding the bears.") , drink lots of clear fluids, call 911 if you can't breathe, etc, I managed to somehow gracefully disengage from the phone conversation only to look over and see the interns gathered at my door with their best nonchalant expressions plastered on their faces. You know, the ones that say "No, I haven't been eavesdropping even though my eyes are the size of saucers."
"What's up?" I asked, trying to keep a straight face.
One of the braver ones spoke up. "Our supervisor told us you'd give us tetanus shots as part of the new hire process..."
Monday, I got to field the following telephone call from him, several hours after I'd given him his regularly scheduled antispychotic injection:
Mr. Methhead: "Hey, I've got the worst headache today! Do you think it could be from that shot you gave me this morning?"
Me: "Maybe, but I wouldn't bet on it. Skipping caffeine can cause bad headaches, though. Did you have your coffee this morning?"
MM: "No, but I had some black tar heroin over the weekend. Would that do it?"
Me: "Yes it would. Heroin withdrawl will really make you feel like crap. How's the diarrhea and vomiting today?"
MM: "I'm not puking, but the @%#s are bad. Do you have any heroin?"
Me, very thankful it's a phone conversation so I don't have to try so hard to keep a professional facial expression: "No, sir, I do not have any heroin."
MM: "Oh, then do you think the doc would prescribe me some OxyContin?"
After the usual reminders to him that we're a mental health office and DON'T prescribe pain medication (We don't do this under any circumstances. Your arm could fall off in our waiting room, and we still wouldn't. We firmly believe in "not feeding the bears.") , drink lots of clear fluids, call 911 if you can't breathe, etc, I managed to somehow gracefully disengage from the phone conversation only to look over and see the interns gathered at my door with their best nonchalant expressions plastered on their faces. You know, the ones that say "No, I haven't been eavesdropping even though my eyes are the size of saucers."
"What's up?" I asked, trying to keep a straight face.
One of the braver ones spoke up. "Our supervisor told us you'd give us tetanus shots as part of the new hire process..."
And I have family that thinks llama spit is something to be worried about...
ReplyDeleteAstounding. And you managed not to do a spit-take on the phone???
Cat