Awkward!

A lot of what I do is contacting patients about their medication issues. But when a new problem popped up ten minutes before my lunch break, I decided to see if someone else could handle it.

"Carlene," I asked the secretary closest to me, "Can you call Mr. Felonious and tell him we faxed his prescription to Local Pharmacy?"

"Sure thing." Carlene turned to the other secretary. "Judy, can you do that for HelloNurse?"

Judy looked nonplussed. "I guess so, but why can't you call Mr. Felonious yourself?"

"He robbed my parents' house for drug money about four years ago, so I try to avoid him."

"That has to be weird--he has appointments here every week," I said.

Carlene chuckled ruefully. "Especially since his family still lives across the street!"

Hope my boss isn't taping my calls

A large part of my job is answering phone calls from patients. Sometimes I find myself giving advice that isn't directly related to their current problem, but also needs to be said. My nursing instructors would call this "health teaching," but they probably wouldn't have found themselves fielding calls from inebriated patients seeking more benzodiazepines.

Like on Friday:
Ms. Issues: "When is Mr. Casemanager coming by to bring me my medications? I'm having a bad mental health and anxiety day and really need my Xanax."
I could tell from the way she was slurring her words that she had been drinking. "Ms. Issues, can you tell me what you've had to drink today?"
MI: "Two beers--I know I need to quit, but--"
Me: "Actually, I'm way more concerned that it's four in the afternoon and that's all you've had to drink for fluids. Can you tell me anything that you've had to drink today that didn't have alcohol in it?"
MI: "Uh.... No, can't think of anything."
Me: "Have you had anything to eat today?"
MI: "Nope. So is Mr. Casemanager coming by today or not? I'm really having a bad mental health day and need my Xanax."
Me: "He'll be by at his usual time, but drinking on an empty stomach usually leads to puking, and then you'll really be having a bad mental health day. Can you fix yourself some toast and drink some water after you hang up with me?"
"Yeah, I can do that. Tell Mr. Casemanager I said hi!"

Overheard at work

Secretary: "I'm sorry sir, but Sherri Socialworker is in a meeting. You can leave a voice mail if you like."
[pause, listening to client talk]
"No, you can't talk to her right now. She's in a meeting. Would you like to talk to a crisis worker instead?"
[pause, with angry voice coming out of the phone handset so lound I can hear it even ten feet away]
"I don't like you swearing at me like that, so I'm going to hang up on you now." Click.