Mutually assured destruction?

As I was sitting in the break room by myself at work last week, I heard a loud voice speaking down the hall:
"The secretaries are out to get me and enjoy making my life hell, but you get used to it. "
It turned out to be one of the social workers giving a building tour to an intern!
When he got to the break room and saw that it was just me and my Top Ramen, he said, "Darn! I was hoping June or someone would be in here so I could give them a hard time."

Do I look like I give out drugs for fun?

Mr. Methhead is one of our "regulars." People tell me that when he's sober and stable on his medications, he's a pretty cool guy. Since I've never had the pleasure of encountering him in either of those states, I'll take their word for it.
Monday, I got to field the following telephone call from him, several hours after I'd given him his regularly scheduled antispychotic injection:
Mr. Methhead: "Hey, I've got the worst headache today! Do you think it could be from that shot you gave me this morning?"
Me: "Maybe, but I wouldn't bet on it. Skipping caffeine can cause bad headaches, though. Did you have your coffee this morning?"
MM: "No, but I had some black tar heroin over the weekend. Would that do it?"
Me: "Yes it would. Heroin withdrawl will really make you feel like crap. How's the diarrhea and vomiting today?"
MM: "I'm not puking, but the @%#s are bad. Do you have any heroin?"
Me, very thankful it's a phone conversation so I don't have to try so hard to keep a professional facial expression: "No, sir, I do not have any heroin."
MM: "Oh, then do you think the doc would prescribe me some OxyContin?"
After the usual reminders to him that we're a mental health office and DON'T prescribe pain medication (We don't do this under any circumstances. Your arm could fall off in our waiting room, and we still wouldn't. We firmly believe in "not feeding the bears.") , drink lots of clear fluids, call 911 if you can't breathe, etc, I managed to somehow gracefully disengage from the phone conversation only to look over and see the interns gathered at my door with their best nonchalant expressions plastered on their faces. You know, the ones that say "No, I haven't been eavesdropping even though my eyes are the size of saucers."
"What's up?" I asked, trying to keep a straight face.
One of the braver ones spoke up. "Our supervisor told us you'd give us tetanus shots as part of the new hire process..."

Parenting FAIL

A lot of my patients "self-medicate" their psychiatric symptoms with assorted illegal substances. Marijuana is far and away the most popular choice. Because it comes from a plant, people generally are a lot more defensive about their cannabis usage than their use of meth or coke. Like Dan Sickles, who told us "Pot's harmless, man. I mean, I've been smoking it since I was six, and look at me, I'm fine."

Either I work in mental health or I've got very strange hobbies

Yesterday, I checked through my "favorites" tab on the Internet at work. It's been a bit since I updated it, and I wasn't sure exactly what I'd bookmarked. I found links to:

Local Hospital Consortium's Physician Finder site

Ginormous Local Clinic's Physician Finder site

Needy Meds (a clearinghouse for patient assistance/free medication programs)

Assorted community resources (hospitals, free dental clinics, food banks, etc)

and the Random County online jail roster, complete with mugshots!