Thanks anyways

Honesty may not always be the best policy. For instance, look at this quote I found in a patient's assessment:

"Military: He has never served. He says he applied in high school, but they turned him down for psychological reasons. When they asked why he wanted to join the army, he said it was so he could kill people."

Police report of the week

"He says his cat told him he needs to drive into the vortex to save Shania Twain from the aliens who are holding her hostage."

Can't make this stuff up

An excerpt from a police report I found in a patient's chart:

"Officer Perky visited the residence and saw that the door was ajar. To maintain community security, he went inside. He found a trail of broccoli throughout the house, leading to the bedroom. On top of the dresser in the bedroom was a banana peel, arranged to look like a small shrine..."

Punctuation matters more than you think

There are days at work when I'm on top of everything. Yesterday was not one of those days. I realized this as I was reading the crisis log from the night before. The log follows the time-honored format of listing the patient, the hospital at which they were seen by the crisis department, and what problem drove them to seek crisis services.
"John Doe. Random County Hospital. Delusional, found by police intoxicated, naked and directing traffic. Indigent."
"Jane Doe. Our Lady of the Wilderness Medical Center. Suicidal cobra."
I read this and had a grand old WTF moment. Not at John's plight, mind you. If ever there were a good reason for the sheriff to take one on an unexpected trip to the ER of the local psych hospital, that would be it.
But Jane's predicament was a different story. I mean, what the heck does a suicidal cobra have to do with calling our county's crisis hot line? Is it even legal to own a cobra in this state? If it doesn't talk and doesn't have movable eyelids, how do you know the snake's emotional state?
After I got done pondering these things aloud with the crisis workers, one of them politely pointed out that the crisis log's format had changed. It now had room for the client's insurance information. Jane was suicidal. With COBRA insurance.

Staff quote of the week

From a buxom female co-worker: “I don’t know what it is that makes men so obsessed with boobs. It’s not like they do anything--they're just there. I even tried to ask a lesbian friend what was so important about them and she just looked at me and said 'I’m not talking about this with you.' ”